About Me:

Hi! My name is Karley Sciortino.
This is a blog intended to trick strangers into thinking my life is more exciting than it actually is.



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Brad's Latest Pee Comic Strip

By now most of you are familiar with my pee slave Brad, who makes me a comic strip every time we meet for a session, to demonstrate how much he cares about me and my urine.

If you're new to this blog, here's an update: A couple months ago I wrote an article about my journey to becoming a professional dominatrix. I spent three days following around a prominent New York Domme called Mistress Dee, who gave me lots of hot tips on how to live the BDSM life, like where to buy latex, the correct way to insert a lollipop into a Hasid’s asshole, and how to aim your pee stream directly into an open mouth. It was really hard, and at points I felt like I wasn’t going to make it, but whenever things got tough I just got down on my knees and prayed. With the grace of God I made it to the end of my sadist bootcamp, and with a new PVC ball gag to show for it!

It's been 5 months since my training, and I now pee on people for cash pretty regularly, on my own (#TotesGrownUp). Here's the latest from Brad!

Brad is currently looking for gallery representation.


OMG I Need an Intern!

My last intern, Stan. Could this be your life?!

Like actually. Anyone interested? I need someone who lives in New York, who would be free a couple days a week to help me sort out my life. I don't have an office (obvs), I work from my bed, in the lying down position with my laptop rested on my boobs, so it would be a very casual thing. Although sometimes we could go to a nearby cafe and drink chai soy lattes with our Macs and pretend to be important or whatever.

I need someone who is good at technical internet things, who can help me set up web stuff that I don't know how to do. You don't have to be some web design master, but I need someone with SKILLS, get it? You will also need to be able to do things like transcribe interviews, and sell my used underwear on Craigslist. I will also look to you for advice on stuff like what shoes go with what outfit, and what method of hair flippage is most the alluring. You know, important shit. I can't pay you now but I'll buy you food and alcohol on occasion and pay you in good vibes! :)

Email me if you're interested! karleysciortino@gmail.com


Blood Orange: Behind the Scenes or Whatever

I know I'm always going on about how amazing my friend Dev, AKA Blood Orange is, but I can't help it! I'm obsessed! This week I hung out on the set of the video for his upcoming single, “Champagne Coast”. Shot in director Alan Del Rio Ortiz’s Brooklyn apartment, the video features a cast babes, including Alexa Chung, Tennessee Thomas, Liz Lee from MTV’s My Life as Liz, and ME, DUH. “Champagne Coast” will be the third single from Blood Orange’s debut album, Coastal Grooves. Out on Domino, the record combines early ’80s disco and beautiful eastern melodies to create a blend of lo-fi power pop that’s so darn sexy girls all over Twitter are currently confessing to reaching orgasm simply from listening to the record—no hand and/or electronic assistance necessary!

You may be familiar with Dev from one of his many other endeavors. Before Blood Orange he spent three years making orchestral pop under the moniker Lightspeed Champion. He also works as a producer and songwriter, working with artists like Florence and the Machine, Theophilis London, and Solange Knowles. It’s no wonder he’s got a harem of chicks hanging on him 24/7!!!

Have a listen and decide for yourselves! Pics from the video shoot below!



Jamin' out

Alan being intense


Lolzin' around


Ask Slutever (AKA Ask Josh)

It was Halloween, we're not emo

In high school my BFF Josh Rawson used to say ‘slutever’ instead of ‘whatever’, which at the time was the funniest thing on earth. That was around 2000. I can’t say for sure that Josh made the word up--that was before we all had internet so I wasn’t down with the global slang--but he was the first person I ever heard say it. Then when I started my blog in 2007 I named it Slutever and pretended I invented it (obviously), however I think it’s about time I gave Josh some credit for creating what is clearly the greatest word ever spoken by man.

Josh is now in a band called The Felice Brothers, who make super abstract post-modern folk upside down Burroughs church jet lag rock. (Lol?) This is the super creepy video for their new single "Fire at the Pageant," from their recent album, Celebration, Flordia. Josh made the video. Watching it will give you some insight into what the town we grew up in is like. That’s him in the vid coming out of a garbage can with a bag over his head, and again out of a car trunk in a dress. I’m also in it very briefly, see if you can spot me. #VideoHoe4Life

For this installment of Ask Slutever I enlisted Josh to answer some of your very important questions. He’s always been good at giving me life advice, so I thought I’d be nice and share his brain with you.

1. I’m 26 and have been dating a guy for 6 months. Our sex is good in a very normal, loving way, which I’m fine with. Then the other day in the heat of the moment I said “Fuck me harder.” Pretty standard dirty talk. But he clearly liked it and tried to get me to keep talking, but I couldn’t think of anything to say! And since then he’s told me he likes dirty talk but I’m always too embarrassed to do it because I feel like I sound so corny. How does one go about talking dirty and what are some good things to say?
Alright, here's the deal: try to convince him you spent some time abroad in a Spanish speaking country. Or that your father is Dominican or something. Then just make up some vaguely Spanish sounding gibberish and scream it at him while he’s inside you. Throw in "papi" like every two made up words. His imagination will dream up totally amazing things and you will seem super mysterious. If that doesn't work just yell "I wanna bake the pizza in your wet stupid mouth! You're so fucking homeless and old!", and he will probz forget about ever being dirty again.

2. Do boys have very specific types? I'm really into this guy in my math class, but I know for a fact his last girlfriend tall with long dark hair, and I’m average height (verging on short) with a blonde chin-length bob, which makes me think I shouldn't even try because he clearly likes a different type of look.
Tall girls with long dark hair are so stone age. Blonde girls with bobs verging on short are totally future post apocalypse World War 3. You are so ahead of your time. Go girl. But the problem is, you guys are in math class together. He is obviously just thinking about long division, pi, and obtuse triangles. Boys are always too deeply invested in their studies to be aware of what girls look like. You should just forget about him and focus on becoming a doctor. Then you can be all like, "I'm a beautiful successful doctor and you're just some asshole. Now get the fuck outta here, I've got lives to save."

3. I'm only 18 but I've just come out of a 3 year relationship, and I feel like I've missed out on some valuable free-love time. I don't know how to get in on all the teenage sex I've missed out on, i.e. when everyone gets together at parties and it’s all just for funsies. I need to get ma flirt on but I'm not sure how...
There are always gonna be parties where people wanna do it just for funsies. No matter how old people get they will always wanna fuck each other (get this) just for pleasure! Whoa, pretty insane! Hooray! Free love! From orgies in Central Park to lonely middle aged people getting drunk at Ruby Tuesday's, people will always wanna have funsies without thinking about consequences, like “Who the hell is this person?” or “This stuff makes babies sometimes!?”

For now I would just focus on stuff only teens can do, like having your own show on the Disney Channel, being a teen pop sensation, making important teen career choices with your publicist, making sure your Nikes match your tiny fitted hat at the Teen Choice Awards, making sure the movie industry takes you seriously, being cute, not being tired ALL the time, eating a whole can of Pringles without feeling like sad sack of shit afterwards, and most importantly, not being a miserable adult. LOL.

Send more questions--anything really!--to karleysciortino@gmail.com with the subject ASK SLUTEVER!