Photos by Brett Lloyd
M is a 24 year old nurse from NYC. She has struggled with her sexual identity since she was 14.
When was your first sexual experience?
When I was 14 I did everything besides have penetrative sex with a guy 2 years older than me. He was the first guy who showed an interest in me that wasn’t childish, and who avidly pursued me. We hooked up at my house when my parents were away.
Was it hot?
I was kind of grossed out actually. But “hooking up” was all anybody ever talked about in high school, and my friends and I started doing that stuff around the same time, so it almost felt like we were just checking off a list. I was happy after I did it because it meant I could join in on the sex conversations. But I didn’t have the urge to do it again for a while, and I definitely knew I didn’t want a boyfriend.
I didn’t feel a connection with any boys, and always invested more emotional energy into my girlfriends. I would fool around with guys because I was drunk or liked the attention, and in high school I was very insecure so if someone gave me attention I would reciprocate. Some of my friends would then turn that kind of attention into a relationship, but I didn’t feel the need to take it that far.
So did you think you could potentially be more into girls?
No, I thought that once I got out of such a childish environment that a relationship with a guy would just click for me, as opposed to all the stupid bullshit that happened in high school. Any attraction I had to girls was repressed.
When did you lose your virginity?
It was 2 weeks after I got to college, when I was 18. The guy was one of the first friends I made there, but we stopped being friends right afterward because I didn’t want to be around him anymore.
We were drunk in his dorm room and it just kind of happened. It wasn’t a monumental moment for me. But he started doing things to me and I figured having sex was less personal than having to give him a blow-job or make out with him for an extended period of time. I figured sex was easier.
When was your first enjoyable sexual experience?
In college there weren’t many. My relationship with sex was unhealthy--I would have sex with guys because sometimes in party or drunken situations it seemed easier to just do it than make up an excuse as to why I didn’t want to. Like, “Oh hi I’m in your room now and no one else is left at this party... am I going to commit social suicide by awkwardly bailing or am I just going to suck your dick?”
But ultimately I was totally grossed out by penises. Like 90% of penises make me want to die. I mean sure, I’ve been around a good dick before and have actively wanted to give a blow job, but it’s not the norm.
So if you hated dick why didn’t you explore some vagina?
I never thought I was gay, I still thought that one day it would click with the right guy. Then there was Mark--he was cute, funny, and we got along really well. We kept in touch while he was abroad, and in my mind I thought when he got back we were going to date, and he was all for it, but as soon as we hooked up again I was done. I knew that if something was going to click it would have been with him, and I finally admitted to myself that there wasn’t something wrong with every guy, that actually it was me.
When did you first get with a girl?
It was about a year ago, with my close friend Lindsay. We would kiss when we were wasted, and we were basically doing all the things that would make me feel suffocated if she were a boy. I just felt better with her. But she was sick of me being so closety, and I think she wanted to break me out of it, then one night it just happened. It was the first time with a girl for both of us.
Was it good?
Yeah. It was the first time I woke up with someone in my bed and wasn’t like ‘Eww, get the fuck away from me.’
So was that your first step toward a healthy sex life?
Well, I’ve always been self sabotaging. I’ve always slept with guys who are in relationships or who just got out of one, because I know nothing is going to happen, so I’m safe. This is why I’ve never dated anyone. But it was the same with Lindsay really because ultimately she identifies as straight and I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I’ve slept with two girls and they’ve both been straight friends. I guess I’m afraid if I hook up with a lesbian or someone “available” I’m going to get that same suffocated feeling.
How do you identify sexually now?
I guess I would have to say bisexual because I just has sex with a boy last weekend. But leaning toward lesbian. Actually, you might want to shift over because you might be sitting on a cum stain. I haven’t cleaned my sheets yet.
I’m OK with that. So why do you still have sex with guys?
It’s just easier. Maybe I’ve conditioned myself to act a certain way to attract men. I don’t go out of my way to have sex with guys, but if I’m drunk and the opportunity presents itself with someone I’m kind aesthetically pleased by, I’m like whatever.
Can you cum when you’re drunk though? My vagina turns off after like three drinks.
I’ve only ever had sex when I’ve been drunk, and I’ve never fully cum with someone else, so I can’t compare. Sometimes it feels really good, but I never get that last push. I guess sober sex would feel better, but when I’m sober I don’t seek it out. Also, having sex drunk makes it easier to say, “Oh, I was wasted, I wouldn’t have done that if I was in my right mind.”
Do you fake orgasms?
Sometimes I do if I can tell a guy isn’t going to stop until he thinks I’ve cum. But if he’s clearly not trying to please me then I don’t care about making him feel like he did something special.
How many guys have you slept with?
15, and I’ve enjoyed about 2. But I’ve had less sex recently because random sex doesn’t make me feel good. It did in college when I was insecure and I needed validation that I was hot, but now I don’t care if people think I’m hot or not.
How often do you masturbate and what do you think about?
About every other day. Normally I watch porn, because I can’t make myself cum with my hand and just my imagination. Is that weird? I guess I’m not really turned on by most of the sexual experiences I’ve had, and I feel guilty thinking about what would actually make me cum. That’s why I watch porn--because I don’t have to think about myself in a sexual situation. Although if I’m using a vibrator I don’t need any kind of visual stimulation; it does all the work.
What kind of porn do you like?
I watch two guys sometimes. I’m the least turned on by lesbian porn because girls overact too much. Although I’m really into watching Faye Reagan have sex with her girlfriend Georgia Jones.
OMG I love Faye Reagan! Do you think they’re dating for real though?
I think so, yeah. Either that or it’s an amazing publicity stunt that makes me cum a lot, so I’m not going to question it.
Lol. So do you think there will be a time when you’ll “come out”?
For me, I think it’s more beneficial to recognize some of the unhealthy sexual habits I have and change them than it is to chalk it all up to being gay. And I’m worried people will treat me differently. Not in a judgmental way—most of my friends are gay men. I just don’t want to be put in a box like, “Oh, she s gay.” Because like, am I? I don’t even know.