Symmetry: Part 2

Continued from PART 1...

Twenty-four hours after our conversation about the pleasures of symmetrical sex, Tea and I are on the roof of my boyfriend's apartment building, taking each other’s clothes off. As we make out I re-explain the importance of synchrony to the group. He takes off his belt and uses it to tie our wrists together--my left, her right--then fastens the belt to the chain link fence that runs along the perimeter of the expansive rooftop. He pauses to glance over at the small garden of potted plants to our left. Tea and I kneel at his feet with our bound arms raised above our heads, staring up at him expectantly. “Wait,” he says, thinking. “Hold on, I’ll be right back,” then disappears down the cement stairwell into the building. We look at each other, confused.

“Uh... what if someone comes up?” asks Tea after nearly a minute of silence. “Don’t like, a million people live in this building? How would we explain this?”

“It’s 3am on a Wednesday,” I say. “I think most people are sleeping.”

“Or maybe this is part of it,” she says.

“What do you mean?”

“Like maybe he left us here as a test. Realistically, if we wanted to get this belt undone, we could. This could be a test to see how long we’ll actually wait here for him. This kind of stuff is common in power play relationships.”

“Uh... he probably just had to pee.”

“Like the last guy I dated--he used to leave me tied up naked in his shower for hours at a time. He would always push it to see how long I would sit there, just waiting for him to come and fuck me or give me attention or whatever. In theory I would have waited forever, except once he left me for like 4 hours and I started crying. He felt bad after though.”

“It's sweet that he cared I guess.”

“Or this other time he invited me over to his house for dinner, and I was expecting him to cook me a nice meal or something, but then he just tied me up under his kitchen table and made me wait there while he ate.” I nod my head slowly, making a face that says I Can Relate, but really I’m just thinking about Tea's short black hair and how shiny it is and how I wonder what conditioner she uses and if I should get the same one.

Suddenly his emaciated frame appears in the stairwell. “Sorry, was thirsty,” he says all casual, and I say, “You’re so beautiful I could puke,” and really mean it.

We spend the next however much time stumbling and crawling around the roof, performing a weird synchronized swim of sexual twister and double blow-jobs. At some point Tea lies on top of me, and for a moment we breathe together, in-out-in-out. “It’s like we’re Siamese twins,” she smiles.

“Yeah,” I say, and suck her finger as it slides in and out of my mouth. I have a sudden, overwhelming sensation of deja vu. And I’m spiraling away into myself.

Twelve hours later he and I are discussing the previous night at a nearby Venezuelan restaurant. “I just really like the dynamic of me and two women,” he says, a half chewed piece of tofu in his mouth. “It just makes for a very origamic sexual experience, in my opinion.” And I reply, “Yeah duh you idiot. Please don’t try to intellectualize it by using thesaurus words--you just like fucking two girls at once.” But he doesn’t respond so I continue, “Did you know that sometimes when you’re asleep I very lightly press the palm of my hand to every visible part of your body--so lightly that you don’t wake up--just because I can. I feel so lucky that I get to touch you.”

He looks freaked out.

I Love You, You're So Hot

Some people you can't help but want to be inside. These are some of those people for me.

In order of appearance:

Joe Dallesandro, Lou Doillon, Brigitte Bardot, Dudley, Ludivine Sagnier, Abiah Hostvedt, Kat Dennings, Johnny Thunders, Sandy Kim, Betty Miller, Eva Green, Cody Critcheloe, Paz de la Huerta, Chuck Junior Achike, Dolly Read, Leo, Lorna Maitland, JD Samson, Lou Doillon, Louis Garrel (OMG), Lucy Luscombe (x2), Anna Karina + Jean-Paul Belmondo, Brigitte Bardot, Rose Mcgowan, Bunny, Dev Patel, Rose again, Eva Green, hottest threesome ever, Mavi Staiano, Jane + Brigitte, Helen Ralli, Julian Brown, Lil Joe, Anna smoking, Glee wheelchair kid, Lea T, Jamie Bell, Rosario Dawson, Jamie Warren, literally just came, Lou, Naya Rivera, Lorna Maitland, Tony Ward

Video Memoriez

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Am I Normal? - Sexually Confused

Photos by Brett Lloyd

M is a 24 year old nurse from NYC. She has struggled with her sexual identity since she was 14.

When was your first sexual experience?

When I was 14 I did everything besides have penetrative sex with a guy 2 years older than me. He was the first guy who showed an interest in me that wasn’t childish, and who avidly pursued me. We hooked up at my house when my parents were away.

Was it hot?
I was kind of grossed out actually. But “hooking up” was all anybody ever talked about in high school, and my friends and I started doing that stuff around the same time, so it almost felt like we were just checking off a list. I was happy after I did it because it meant I could join in on the sex conversations. But I didn’t have the urge to do it again for a while, and I definitely knew I didn’t want a boyfriend.

How come?
I didn’t feel a connection with any boys, and always invested more emotional energy into my girlfriends. I would fool around with guys because I was drunk or liked the attention, and in high school I was very insecure so if someone gave me attention I would reciprocate. Some of my friends would then turn that kind of attention into a relationship, but I didn’t feel the need to take it that far.

So did you think you could potentially be more into girls?
No, I thought that once I got out of such a childish environment that a relationship with a guy would just click for me, as opposed to all the stupid bullshit that happened in high school. Any attraction I had to girls was repressed.

When did you lose your virginity?
It was 2 weeks after I got to college, when I was 18. The guy was one of the first friends I made there, but we stopped being friends right afterward because I didn’t want to be around him anymore.

Why him?
We were drunk in his dorm room and it just kind of happened. It wasn’t a monumental moment for me. But he started doing things to me and I figured having sex was less personal than having to give him a blow-job or make out with him for an extended period of time. I figured sex was easier.

When was your first enjoyable sexual experience?
In college there weren’t many. My relationship with sex was unhealthy--I would have sex with guys because sometimes in party or drunken situations it seemed easier to just do it than make up an excuse as to why I didn’t want to. Like, “Oh hi I’m in your room now and no one else is left at this party... am I going to commit social suicide by awkwardly bailing or am I just going to suck your dick?”

Lol.
But ultimately I was totally grossed out by penises. Like 90% of penises make me want to die. I mean sure, I’ve been around a good dick before and have actively wanted to give a blow job, but it’s not the norm.

So if you hated dick why didn’t you explore some vagina?
I never thought I was gay, I still thought that one day it would click with the right guy. Then there was Mark--he was cute, funny, and we got along really well. We kept in touch while he was abroad, and in my mind I thought when he got back we were going to date, and he was all for it, but as soon as we hooked up again I was done. I knew that if something was going to click it would have been with him, and I finally admitted to myself that there wasn’t something wrong with every guy, that actually it was me.

When did you first get with a girl?
It was about a year ago, with my close friend Lindsay. We would kiss when we were wasted, and we were basically doing all the things that would make me feel suffocated if she were a boy. I just felt better with her. But she was sick of me being so closety, and I think she wanted to break me out of it, then one night it just happened. It was the first time with a girl for both of us.

Was it good?
Yeah. It was the first time I woke up with someone in my bed and wasn’t like ‘Eww, get the fuck away from me.’

So was that your first step toward a healthy sex life?
Well, I’ve always been self sabotaging. I’ve always slept with guys who are in relationships or who just got out of one, because I know nothing is going to happen, so I’m safe. This is why I’ve never dated anyone. But it was the same with Lindsay really because ultimately she identifies as straight and I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I’ve slept with two girls and they’ve both been straight friends. I guess I’m afraid if I hook up with a lesbian or someone “available” I’m going to get that same suffocated feeling.

How do you identify sexually now?
I guess I would have to say bisexual because I just has sex with a boy last weekend. But leaning toward lesbian. Actually, you might want to shift over because you might be sitting on a cum stain. I haven’t cleaned my sheets yet.

I’m OK with that. So why do you still have sex with guys?
It’s just easier. Maybe I’ve conditioned myself to act a certain way to attract men. I don’t go out of my way to have sex with guys, but if I’m drunk and the opportunity presents itself with someone I’m kind aesthetically pleased by, I’m like whatever.

Can you cum when you’re drunk though? My vagina turns off after like three drinks.
I’ve only ever had sex when I’ve been drunk, and I’ve never fully cum with someone else, so I can’t compare. Sometimes it feels really good, but I never get that last push. I guess sober sex would feel better, but when I’m sober I don’t seek it out. Also, having sex drunk makes it easier to  say, “Oh, I was wasted, I wouldn’t have done that if I was in my right mind.”

Do you fake orgasms?
Sometimes I do if I can tell a guy isn’t going to stop until he thinks I’ve cum. But if he’s clearly not trying to please me then I don’t care about making him feel like he did something special.

How many guys have you slept with?
15, and I’ve enjoyed about 2. But I’ve had less sex recently because random sex doesn’t make me feel good. It did in college when I was insecure and I needed validation that I was hot, but now I don’t care if people think I’m hot or not.

How often do you masturbate and what do you think about?
About every other day. Normally I watch porn, because I can’t make myself cum with my hand and just my imagination. Is that weird? I guess I’m not really turned on by most of the sexual experiences I’ve had, and I feel guilty thinking about what would actually make me cum. That’s why I watch porn--because I don’t have to think about myself in a sexual situation. Although if I’m using a vibrator I don’t need any kind of visual stimulation; it does all the work.

What kind of porn do you like?
I watch two guys sometimes. I’m the least turned on by lesbian porn because girls overact too much. Although I’m really into watching Faye Reagan have sex with her girlfriend Georgia Jones.

OMG I love Faye Reagan! Do you think they’re dating for real though?
I think so, yeah. Either that or it’s an amazing publicity stunt that makes me cum a lot, so I’m not going to question it.

Lol. So do you think there will be a time when you’ll “come out”?
For me, I think it’s more beneficial to recognize some of the unhealthy sexual habits I have and change them than it is to chalk it all up to being gay. And I’m worried people will treat me differently. Not in a judgmental way—most of my friends are gay men. I just don’t want to be put in a box like, “Oh, she s gay.” Because like, am I? I don’t even know.

Dominatrix Fail

Another one of Brad's wonderful drawings. I love these little presents.

So I’ve been peeing on people for cash pretty regularly now. I hold the sessions at a BDSM dungeon in Midtown, so as not to get pee all over my house. This past Monday I had a session with Brad, one of my regular clients, at 3pm. My sleep schedule is so ridiculous--I can never seem to get to bed before 5am, or wake up before 1pm--so I tend to schedule any appointments or important business meetings (lol) I have for mid to late afternoon, just to be safe.

So on Monday I set my alarm for noon, but idiot me didn’t wake up until 1:45 because I was in a coma and slept through it. Stupidly, I woke up and peed out of habit. I then realized I only had an hour before "showtime", panicked and frantically chugged 2 liters of water. The problem, however, is that in preparation for a golden shower session I normally drink large amounts of water consistently for hours beforehand. I’d say I drink at least a gallon of liquid over the course of 2-3 hours. Still, I figured I would be OK to pee at 3pm. Maybe not as much as normal--I regularly impress myself which how much of the stuff I can make come out of me--but enough to satisfy Brad’s thirst for the time being.

But there was another problem. NYC has been sooo hot recently. It was 108º one day last week! And nearly 100º every day since. So it’s safe to say that on Monday morning, waking up in my sweat box apartment, I was pretty dehyg’d. I have since done some Google research, and found that the kidneys filter between 750mls and 1 liter of water every hour, so if you're well hydrated and you drink half a liter of water, you should need to go in less than an hour. However if you’re dehydrated, your body isn’t going to throw out the water because it needs it. Duh.

I continued binge drinking on the subway ride to the dungeon, but by the time the session began--though I felt extremely full and surprisingly dizzy from my gross short-term water consumption--my bladder felt entirely empty. Still, I felt kind of OK about it, as I normally spend the first 15 minutes smacking Brad around anyway, and save the waterworks for the finale. I figured all that water I drank would be rushing to my bladder all at once sometime soon. So I made Brad get naked and lay on the floor, kicked him, shoved my foot down his throat, spit in his eyes, ears, nose and mouth, called him a slut, etc. He loved it. Fifteen minutes passed and I still felt totally empty, but I figured maybe if I hovered over his mouth for a bit and concentrated really hard I could make something come out. Nothing. So I stalled and told him he “had to wait a little longer before I made him suffer,” or something cheesy and embarrassing like that.

By the time there was only 5 minutes left and I’d yet to pee a single drop--I rent the room remember, so there are time constraints--Brad could tell there was something up. I felt like an epic failure, like I sucked at life. So I tried one last time to pee and concentrated really hard--I thought about faucets running, streams, lakes, oceans, all that shit--and finally I managed to get maybe half a cup worth of pee to come out. Brad lapped it up manically, as if they were the last drops of pee on earth. I felt like I could cry, ashamed of my own ineptness. Like, talk about the easiest job on earth. All I have to do is show up and pee, and I can’t even handle that!? #IHateMyself.

Despite being a let down, Brad still says he wants to see me again. He seemed to be vaguely understanding of my situation. Also, he asked if this winter I would consider blowing my snot into his mouth. I said of course, Brad, I would love to.