Am I Normal? - Diaper Lover

Photos by Yasmine Laraqui

Amy is a 20 year old university student from the UK. After reading my interview with the adult baby Baby Bunnykins, she sent me an email saying the following:

“You could say I'm a diaper lover--wearing a diaper during sex really turns me on. However it annoys me that most stories about ABDLs (adult baby/diaper lovers) are about extreme, middle aged men who nearly give up their lives to live like a baby. I want the public to know ABDLs aren't as creepy as most people perceive them. I'm relatively normal, good-looking, friendly and sweet, I swear!”

She then suggested I interview her about her fetish, to give all you wonderful Slutever readers an opposing look at the ABDL community. I replied, Yes, definitely!

So Amy, I've been thinking... maybe the reason most press about the ABDL community focuses on older men is because that’s when it seems the most “weird”. Maybe a girl being babied, or being submissive sexually, is not that far from off from real life?
Yeah, the schoolgirl fetish is pretty mainstream. One of my friends is into calling her boyfriend “Daddy,” and that doesn’t feel very kinky. I just hate that so many people find ABDLs creepy, because it makes me feel ashamed and put-off by my own fantasies, when really everyone's a bit strange in their own way.

So what exactly is your fetish? I know not all DLs are adult babies too.
For me it’s nothing to do with children or wanting to be a baby. It’s about being humiliated, restrained, and pushed into dirty, embarrassing submission. It’s about someone else having full control over you to the point where they can force you to do the worst thing imaginable. And a little bit of Omorashi.

Why do you think it is that humiliation and sex are so linked? I often have fantasies about being fucked in front of an audience, and lots of my girlfriends have said the same thing.
It’s so true! I think if you enjoy being submissive, if the person dominating you is exercising their power in front of more people, it just becomes a heightened level of submission.

When did the diaper infatuation begin?
I remember liking diapers as early as 4. My sister was a baby then, and I would sneakily put on her diapers and my mom would would yell at me that I was too old. Around 13/14 my interest turned into fantasies; the idea of being in a diaper just turned me on. But I put it to the back of my mind because I didn’t know that it was “a thing”, or even possible, and I was embarrassed. 

When was the first time you tried it IRL?
When I was 18 I brought it up with my boyfriend. We had been going out for a year and I told him there was something weird that turned me on, and then obviously he really wanted to know. Eventually I worked up the courage to tell him once after we’d been cuddling for ages, and he was like, “Well, obviously it’s a bit weird, but let’s just go try it right now!” He was very accepting. Also I think he found it sexy that I was really into something.

And then what?
We went and got some baby diapers from the supermarket, but we got child ones so they were far too small. But we just messed around for a while--mainly him putting them on me and telling me off. From there I learned more about what sort of diapers I wanted to wear and where to find them, and we got more into role playing as time went on

Was he dominant in bed anyway?
Yeah, bigtime. I couldn’t enjoy sex with someone who wasn’t.

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Before the first time with your bf, was wearing diapers just a fantasy, or had you worn them alone?
Just a fantasy.

Sometime when you act out a fantasy, the reality of it isn’t as hot as it was in your head. Like I have gangbag fantasies, but I think probs if I was actually gangbanged it might be a bit “too much”. Were you afraid wearing a diaper during sex might turn out bad? Was it as hot as you expected?
With fantasy there’s always going to something that you can’t fully achieve, because in your mind you can push to infinite extremes, but it was still definitely sooo good. Wearing the diaper relaxes me quite a lot. It’s become something that turns me on more than anything else.

Do you pee in the diaper?
Well it’s always sort of been part of the fantasy, and I tried it by myself when I was alone once and I really liked it, and I then tried it with my boyfriend for the first time this summer. I had brought it up ahead of time and he liked the idea of it because it was dirty (he's very sadistic). Then once when I was tied down to the bed while he was getting ready for work I just did it. At first I couldn’t do it with him near me--I was too nervous and it’s actually pretty hard to do, just because it’s unnatural--but now I’m getting better at it. And sometimes he’ll force me to drink water so it’s easier, or he’ll make me sit on the toilet it I can’t go.

What about more than peeing?
I’ve never shit in one, and I wouldn’t. Well… never say never because I’d try anything once, but it’s mainly about pee for me. And if I did shit, I would have to be forced to, like a no other choice situation.

Have you told your friends about your fetish?
No, I’m so embarrassed by it. I hate diapers but I love them! Also though it’s quite nice to have something about yourself that you don’t tell people.

So you wish you weren’t into it?
Yeah, I wish I was into something more mainstream. The fear of someone finding out is such a burden.

Do you wear diapers when you masturbate?
No, it’s not a massive part of masturbation for me because I generally just use a vibrator and I can make myself come really quickly. I find it hard to make myself cum with just my hands—I have a few times but it’s just too much effort. But diaper play is generally the only thing I think about when reaching orgasm.

Do you watch porn?
I don’t generally feel the need for visual stimulation, but I do sometimes.

Can you cum solely through penetrative sex?
No.

My lesbian roommate can’t get her head around the fact that a lot of girls find it hard to cum during "standard" heterosexual sex.
I just find it very difficult though. I guess everyone is different but it annoys me sooo much. Why is it easier for some girls? But I think you should tell your roommate that for some people, sex isn’t just about cumming. It’s really not about that for me. I just like being fucked and dominated, that’s what does it for me. I go on top sometimes, but mainly I feel out of place up there. However I’ll masturbate in front of my bf or whatever, so I do cum with him.

Do you ever fake orgasms?
No, I hate lying! I’m pretty sexually confident, but I don’t think I’m confident enough to fake it.

Do you think you could be in relationship where the other person wasn’t into diaper play, and it wasn’t a factor in sex?
No. I think if you’re going to be with someone they should be completely accepting of who you are and what turns you on. I wouldn’t have a satisfying sex life if I was with someone who didn’t like it.

TBH, talking about the fetish has made me think it's way hotter than I did before.
Yay, that’s good!

Am I Normal? - Sexually Aloof

Q is a 23 year old grad student from California. He has a fluid sexuality, and experiences long periods of little or no sexual desire.

When was the first time you jerked off?
I didn’t masturbate until I was 14. You know that HBO show Real Sex? It was that documentary style series where they followed around, like, really old fat people at erotic day camps all massaging each other and trading spouses or whatever. So one day I was watching an episode where these hippies were praying to a crystal, and then they all started masturbating in front of each other, and I remember that was the first moment in my entire life that I thought, Wow, I can do that too! Minus the crystal.

And then you did it?
Yeah I just sat there and did it. But then I didn’t do it again for another 6 months. It wasn’t like it opened up a world of possibilities for me. I was just like... OK. Mainly I was interested in whether I could produce semen or not, because I wasn’t sure.

When did you lose your V-card?
The first person I did everything with was my high school girlfriend, Helen. She was Mormon randomly. We had sex when I was 15.

Was it good?
No it was scary and weird. We were having a sleepover at this kid Gabe’s house, who was gay by the way, and Helen and I went into another room and weirdly had sex for like 3 seconds. I don’t think I even came, I just put it in and was like “Oh my god.”

Who was your first boy crush?
My best friend Simon, starting around 13. I was so obsessed with him--probably to this day he was the greatest obsession of my life. Everyone knew, Helen too. The vibe I have now about my sexuality was still in place when I was a teenager, like I quite flippantly could have a girlfriend and have it be a real thing, but also be into a boy, and everyone accepted that about me and no one ever questioned it, and I never questioned it about myself. I wasn’t sitting alone at home being like “I think I’m gay.” I didn’t care, I was just into whoever.

So did you ever hook up?
No. He was in love with this Indian girl Asha, who had literally just moved there from India and didn’t speak English, and every night when we talked on the phone he would tell me some dumb story about this Indian girl, and then I’d be like, “OK tell me that story again, but with more detail”, and then I’d sit there listening and masturbate.

Lol. Didn’t it upset you that he was talking about a girl that he liked though?
What he was saying didn’t matter.

When was the first time you got with a guy?
My first year of college. He was just this kid in my dorm, it wasn’t very interesting. He was like the go-to alternative homosexual, who was like, into Morrissey or whatever. I went to a giant gayass college. Literally the school slogan was ‘Gay by May or your money back’. Every person you met would be like, “So my major is musical theatre with a minor in puppet making and experimental dance,” and you’d be like “Oh, cool”, and then they’d be like, “But I really miss my girlfriend back home sooo much, I don’t know how I’m going to survive without her!”, and then 6 months later you’d run into them and they’d be hosting a gay gang bang in their living room.

So were you hella gay in college?
I wasn’t very sexual in college. I was insecure because I thought, especially with boys, that I was inadequate and not desirable and not “the look” or something. Like, I essentially have the body of a stretched-out eleven year old with a drug habit. I felt like this weird thing that no normal person could find attractive. And I just wasn’t that into sex in general.

As in you didn’t enjoy the act of it?
I think sex is good and interesting, but it doesn’t motivate me, it’s not the only thing I care about. For some people it seems as if it's the constant goal. You know they say a man thinks about sex every 7 seconds? I know that’s something you could never prove and is obviously not true, but the nature of the statement never rang true with me. I can sometimes not think about sex for a month.

What about after college?
I moved to the city, and for the first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t completely unattractive because I was getting hit on so much. My look was definitely “the look” of the moment with the downtown fashion fags. So I spent the next year getting with people a lot--mainly guys--and I was drinking more then, so I was more up for it. And then I had a weird breakdown and was like, “Why am I only hanging out with gay people and going to gay clubs?”

Why is that bad?
Well... people constantly try to define you or place you in a category: gay or straight. And obviously you can say “I’m neither” or “I’m bisexual”, but even that gets an eye roll, or it’s just another label. And gay people are worse. I felt like suddenly I was being defined by my sexuality, and I wanted to revert back to the philosophy I had for myself in high school, which was post-gay in a way, where I didn’t give much thought to it and was just myself.

So what happened after the breakdown?
I didn’t have sex for a while, and when I did it would be weird--like threesomes with boys and girls, or once I got with a female to male transsexual. The traditional binary of gender and sexual orientation had become boring to me, and nothing really felt right or satisfying, so I was searching for new combinations.

That’s hot.
I also became increasingly interested in having sex with people who looked really similar to me. I think the interesting thing about homosexuality, or at least androgyny, is that you can project what you desire. And I don’t think that’s necessarily widely lusted after, and I think a lot of gay people would really disagree and say they desire something totally different from themselves, but I really enjoyed the fact that I could style myself to be what I wanted, and I’ve really gotten off on the times that I’ve gotten with people who resemble me. And because my look is sort of boy/girl vibes, both men and women can meet the standard, it’s quite open.

Have you ever been in a relationship?
I’ve been in a couple relationships but they were pretty unconventional. One with a dude soon after college that lasted a year and was essentially non sexual. It was an emotional relationship--a negative one. When it ended I entered a long phase of celibacy. Then another with a girl a couple years ago. We were both depressed and confused about our lives and the only thing that made us feel less shit about the world was to be together. We kind of looked alike. It wasn't necessarily exclusive, and it was more emotional than sexual, but there was some sex involved.

Why always no sex?
I think I have a hard time being with someone emotionally and physically at the same time, and I prefer those things to be separate. Maybe on some level I think sex cheapens what I have with a person emotionally, or that it spoils something, even if it's good.

How often do you have sex now?
Until 2 months ago I hadn’t had sex in over a year. I’ve come to a point where I don’t want to have sex with random people I don’t know anymore, I only want to have sex with people I like, but because I don’t need sex that much I can easily go through these long periods of not having sex at all. But then I start to get this fear of sex where it morphs into something different, where it’s actually been so long that I’m just afraid to do it and thinking about it makes me throw up.

That sounds like bad news.
When I was younger the doctor suggested I could be autistic, which I don’t necessarily think I am, but one of the reasons was that when people touched me it felt like burning. And to this day I have phantom feelings of that after sex acts, which is difficult because obviously after sex people want to be tender and loving and I’m like, “Don’t touch me”.

How many people have you had sex with?
About 40. Maybe like 10 girls, 30 guys.

What do you think about when you masturbate?
I don’t masturbate that often. When I do I generally think about being filmed. It’s a pretty self obsessed fantasy because I’m not thinking about anyone else but myself.

Are your parents accepting of your sexual aloofness?
I don’t really talk to them about it. My mom is semi aware because she walked in on me having sex with her friend’s son on Christmas Eve when I was like 18. It wasn’t a total surprise though. When I was younger I would always rent movies with prevalent gay themes, and I tried to put on an amateur production of The Vagina Monologues when I was 13. Like, red flags in the house. But her walking in on me and that loser kid was confirmation in her mind. Afterward she asked me if I was gay, and I was like, “I just kind of do what I want”. I was very blase. And she started crying and was like, “I just want to know what you are!” and I was like, “Ugh you’re so embarrassing! I am who I am,” to paraphrase Ke$ha.

Do you think you’ll ever be in a “normal” relationship?
I’ve considered that the perfect relationship for me would be a three-way relationship, so the other 2 could take care of each other when I couldn’t be bothered, and there would be enough variety so I wouldn’t get bored.

I guess it’s just about finding what’s right for you. That situation would cause jealousy for a lot of people.
I just don’t think relationships have to be as conventional as they are. I realize there is a standard and a normality in monogamous one-person one-person relationships, but I think it’s settling for terms that have already been laid out for us, that we as people might not agree with, or might individually have the right to say ‘this isn’t the life for me’. And I’m not necessarily interested in the other standard of relationships in the homosexual world, by which gay couples are emotionally monogamous but are open with sex, because I don’t need that sort of vacant sex badly enough. I guess I’m interested in finding new concepts of realty.

Am I Normal? - Sexually Confused

Photos by Brett Lloyd

M is a 24 year old nurse from NYC. She has struggled with her sexual identity since she was 14.

When was your first sexual experience?

When I was 14 I did everything besides have penetrative sex with a guy 2 years older than me. He was the first guy who showed an interest in me that wasn’t childish, and who avidly pursued me. We hooked up at my house when my parents were away.

Was it hot?
I was kind of grossed out actually. But “hooking up” was all anybody ever talked about in high school, and my friends and I started doing that stuff around the same time, so it almost felt like we were just checking off a list. I was happy after I did it because it meant I could join in on the sex conversations. But I didn’t have the urge to do it again for a while, and I definitely knew I didn’t want a boyfriend.

How come?
I didn’t feel a connection with any boys, and always invested more emotional energy into my girlfriends. I would fool around with guys because I was drunk or liked the attention, and in high school I was very insecure so if someone gave me attention I would reciprocate. Some of my friends would then turn that kind of attention into a relationship, but I didn’t feel the need to take it that far.

So did you think you could potentially be more into girls?
No, I thought that once I got out of such a childish environment that a relationship with a guy would just click for me, as opposed to all the stupid bullshit that happened in high school. Any attraction I had to girls was repressed.

When did you lose your virginity?
It was 2 weeks after I got to college, when I was 18. The guy was one of the first friends I made there, but we stopped being friends right afterward because I didn’t want to be around him anymore.

Why him?
We were drunk in his dorm room and it just kind of happened. It wasn’t a monumental moment for me. But he started doing things to me and I figured having sex was less personal than having to give him a blow-job or make out with him for an extended period of time. I figured sex was easier.

When was your first enjoyable sexual experience?
In college there weren’t many. My relationship with sex was unhealthy--I would have sex with guys because sometimes in party or drunken situations it seemed easier to just do it than make up an excuse as to why I didn’t want to. Like, “Oh hi I’m in your room now and no one else is left at this party... am I going to commit social suicide by awkwardly bailing or am I just going to suck your dick?”

Lol.
But ultimately I was totally grossed out by penises. Like 90% of penises make me want to die. I mean sure, I’ve been around a good dick before and have actively wanted to give a blow job, but it’s not the norm.

So if you hated dick why didn’t you explore some vagina?
I never thought I was gay, I still thought that one day it would click with the right guy. Then there was Mark--he was cute, funny, and we got along really well. We kept in touch while he was abroad, and in my mind I thought when he got back we were going to date, and he was all for it, but as soon as we hooked up again I was done. I knew that if something was going to click it would have been with him, and I finally admitted to myself that there wasn’t something wrong with every guy, that actually it was me.

When did you first get with a girl?
It was about a year ago, with my close friend Lindsay. We would kiss when we were wasted, and we were basically doing all the things that would make me feel suffocated if she were a boy. I just felt better with her. But she was sick of me being so closety, and I think she wanted to break me out of it, then one night it just happened. It was the first time with a girl for both of us.

Was it good?
Yeah. It was the first time I woke up with someone in my bed and wasn’t like ‘Eww, get the fuck away from me.’

So was that your first step toward a healthy sex life?
Well, I’ve always been self sabotaging. I’ve always slept with guys who are in relationships or who just got out of one, because I know nothing is going to happen, so I’m safe. This is why I’ve never dated anyone. But it was the same with Lindsay really because ultimately she identifies as straight and I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. I’ve slept with two girls and they’ve both been straight friends. I guess I’m afraid if I hook up with a lesbian or someone “available” I’m going to get that same suffocated feeling.

How do you identify sexually now?
I guess I would have to say bisexual because I just has sex with a boy last weekend. But leaning toward lesbian. Actually, you might want to shift over because you might be sitting on a cum stain. I haven’t cleaned my sheets yet.

I’m OK with that. So why do you still have sex with guys?
It’s just easier. Maybe I’ve conditioned myself to act a certain way to attract men. I don’t go out of my way to have sex with guys, but if I’m drunk and the opportunity presents itself with someone I’m kind aesthetically pleased by, I’m like whatever.

Can you cum when you’re drunk though? My vagina turns off after like three drinks.
I’ve only ever had sex when I’ve been drunk, and I’ve never fully cum with someone else, so I can’t compare. Sometimes it feels really good, but I never get that last push. I guess sober sex would feel better, but when I’m sober I don’t seek it out. Also, having sex drunk makes it easier to  say, “Oh, I was wasted, I wouldn’t have done that if I was in my right mind.”

Do you fake orgasms?
Sometimes I do if I can tell a guy isn’t going to stop until he thinks I’ve cum. But if he’s clearly not trying to please me then I don’t care about making him feel like he did something special.

How many guys have you slept with?
15, and I’ve enjoyed about 2. But I’ve had less sex recently because random sex doesn’t make me feel good. It did in college when I was insecure and I needed validation that I was hot, but now I don’t care if people think I’m hot or not.

How often do you masturbate and what do you think about?
About every other day. Normally I watch porn, because I can’t make myself cum with my hand and just my imagination. Is that weird? I guess I’m not really turned on by most of the sexual experiences I’ve had, and I feel guilty thinking about what would actually make me cum. That’s why I watch porn--because I don’t have to think about myself in a sexual situation. Although if I’m using a vibrator I don’t need any kind of visual stimulation; it does all the work.

What kind of porn do you like?
I watch two guys sometimes. I’m the least turned on by lesbian porn because girls overact too much. Although I’m really into watching Faye Reagan have sex with her girlfriend Georgia Jones.

OMG I love Faye Reagan! Do you think they’re dating for real though?
I think so, yeah. Either that or it’s an amazing publicity stunt that makes me cum a lot, so I’m not going to question it.

Lol. So do you think there will be a time when you’ll “come out”?
For me, I think it’s more beneficial to recognize some of the unhealthy sexual habits I have and change them than it is to chalk it all up to being gay. And I’m worried people will treat me differently. Not in a judgmental way—most of my friends are gay men. I just don’t want to be put in a box like, “Oh, she s gay.” Because like, am I? I don’t even know.

Am I Normal? - 28 yr old Virgin

Photos by Sibylle Bergemann

S is a 31 year old high school teacher from Chicago. She masturbated for the first time at 25, and lost her virginity at 28. 

When was your first sexual experience?
When I was 21 I got stoned in my college dorm room with a friend, and we got into my bed and he fingered me. That was the first time I did anything more than making out. I remember thinking, “Oh my god, I can’t wait to tell my friends back home that I finally FGF’d!”, which was their code for Fucking Good Fingering.

What about the horny teen years?
Sex just wasn’t something I cared about. In high school my friends’ primary life goals were to get with a guy, but I was never in that frame of mind. There was definitely a long period of time where I wondered what was wrong with me, and realized it was potentially an issue.

What do you mean, ‘something wrong’?
Well around 19 I went through a year of wondering if I was gay because of it—that maybe not wanting to have sex with boys meant somewhere deep down in my subconscious I wanted to have sex with girls. But I wasn’t turned on by girls. I just wasn’t turned on by anything, which is really crazy because now I’m turned on by anything.

So what was going on in your early to mid 20s?
Well it’s a vicious cycle, because the longer you wait the more of a big deal it becomes. If I’d done it when I was 15 in the back of a car with some random guy, I’d just think it was funny, but by the time you’re 22 your like, “Shit, if I’ve waited this long I don’t want to waste it on some weirdo that I don’t even like.” Then when I was 23 I read Andy Warhol’s, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol: From A to B and Back Again. In each chapter he talks about a different topic—fame, money sex, love, etc. And he discussed how overrated sex is, and how people should wait to have sex until they’re forty otherwise they’re bored of it by the time they’re middle aged. He talks about sex not being the most important thing in the world, and for the first time I felt more at ease about my virginity.

When was the first time you masturbated?
When I was 25.

That’s insane.
I know, right? The thought of my own vagina just scared me. And also, I don’t know if this sounds weird, but I was never attracted to my own body, so I didn’t find myself sexy enough to want to touch myself. And when I finally did it I didn’t know how to do it properly. I was just sticking my fingers in and wasn’t touching the right parts, and I couldn’t concentrate and was just like, “This is shit.”

So you didn’t cum?
No, I didn’t cum until I was 26. Before then I’d always touched myself lying on my back, but this time I was on my stomach with my hand was underneath me, and I guess the pressure was more on my clit.

Natalie-Portman-in-Black-Swan style? I didn’t know that was a real thing.

It is. Weirdly my friend called me when I was in the middle of masturbating, but for some reason I still picked up the phone, and then suddenly I just came. I remember being like, “Whoooa, I get it now! That was amazing! When am I going to get to do that with someone else!?” I think it was the first time I truly understood why people have sex.

Wait, did your friend on the phone hear you??
No he just carried on talking and I shoved my face into my pillow. It was really bizarre because he was drunk and babbling and I was basically paralyzed.

So when did you finally have sex?
When I was 28 I started dating this guy I worked with. We’d been making out for a month, and then for my birthday he took me on a surprise trip to Mexico. When we got there we took a taxi up a mountain to this amazing castle, and as we were driving through the giant silver gates I was like, “Oh shit, I blatantly have to have sex with him now.” So we had this amazing dinner and then went back to the hotel and took a candlelit bath, and I gave him a blow job—my first ever BJ—and then we had really filthy sex all night. It was only afterward that I told him it was my first time, but I think he sort of knew anyway.

So you basically lost your V-card the way every tween girl dreams of losing hers, only ten years later?
Right, exactly. So cheesy.

So did you become more sexual after that?
Yeah, we dated for a year and had sex all the time, but I never had an orgasm with him. Here’s the weird thing: I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm during sex. My most recent boyfriend, Tom, was the only person who has ever given me an orgasm. He loved going down on me and I always came, and he was really into it which made it so much more amazing for me. Sometimes I’d be watching TV and he’d just rip my pants off and start going down on me. I was scared when we broke up because I was afraid no one else would ever be able to give me an orgasm. Actually, no one has, but it hasn’t been very long.

Head is key, because I think it’s difficult for a lot of girls to cum solely though penetrative sex.
Yeah, can guys give you an orgasm with their dicks alone? I don’t think they can. Because the dick doesn’t get to the clit part.

Tell me about it. How often do you masturbate now?
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I touched myself. This past 6 months I’ve been completely non-interested, except when I’m mid-period, when I get really horny, but it's obviously a bad time to try and get laid.

What do you think about when you masturbate?
It alternates. Sometimes I think about some of the hotter sex I’ve had, and I think about girls with girls quite a lot actually. I generally prefer lesbian porn. Macho, masculine porn gets boring.

What are your porn preferences?
I’m never that turned on by hardcore porn. Like seeing a girl with jizz all over her face is so whatever to me. I remember watching the movie Emmanuelle as a kid, which isn’t even porn, it’s super softcore and delicate, but it really turned me on. And I like some 70s porn where the girls are hairy and weird looking, rather than modern day Hollywood porn with boob jobs and scary tans. For me porn is all about the girl. It’s almost as if the guy just serves as a function—the perpetrator.

How many guys have you slept with in total?
12, all in the past 3 years.

Have you ever faked an orgasm?
A couple of times, because sometimes the guy won’t stop otherwise. But generally I don’t.

What’s your ultimate fantasy?
Honestly I have a bit of a rape fantasy. Not that I actually want that, but… The first time I had sex with Tom we were in the bathroom at a house party and he just slammed the door shut, grabbed me and lifted me up onto the sink and started kissing me and ripping my clothes off. I didn’t have any control over the situation and it was really hot. He was basically just like, I’m going to fuck you and you can’t do anything about it. Man... I kind of want to have sex now.

Ditto.

Am I Normal? - Dr. Gangbang

All pics @ Sandy Kim

Recently I've been getting a lot of Ask Slutever emails from people freaking out about the fact that they're "not normal". Questions like: "I'm a 22 year old virgin, why am I such a freak?" or "Why am I the only person on earth who can't cum during sex?" or "I want to fuck my brother kinda... is something wrong with me?". But TBH, I think most of us are way more normal than we realize. It's just that no one wants to admit these "embarrassing" things about their sexuality, so we keep it all to ourselves, and as a result we all wind up thinking we're "the only one". But seriously, don't flatter yourself. You're probably far more boring than you think you are.

To try and prove this theory, I'm going to be posting a series of anonymous interviews I'm doing with a variety of different people about their sexual behavior and desires. The idea is that if people are anonymous they will be totally open and honest about all the things we normally feel embarrassed/guilty/whorish talking about. Here goes!

Dr. L is a 37 year old physicist from DC. She has 4 kids with her husband of 11 years. The two share an open relationship and three months ago L became a sex slave to a Master she met on alt.com.

When did you lose your virginity?
Dr. L: Well I tried to lose it when I was 17, but it didn’t work. I was on my high school’s math team and we were traveling around in a little van from college campus to college campus, and while at Georgia Tech I picked up this beautiful black guy in the bar of a hotel. He was about 30 and was a security guard traveling around with a group of topless dancers. Seriously. So we went to his room and he tried to fuck me, but I was too tight, he just couldn't get it in. So then the guy realized I was a virgin and freaked out. I mean it was Georgia, he was black, I was under age...

I hate when that happens.
I know, right? So I lost it when I was 18, to a boyfriend. Only after fucking a vase first though, just to be sure.

WTF?
Well I was scared my vagina was too small that it wouldn’t fit again, and I really wanted it to work. I was very curious about sex--I still am--and I saw no value in naiveté. So I took this thin, bulb shaped vase I had at home and kept trying to shove it up my vagina. It didn’t really work, but next time I tried to have sex with my boyfriend it worked, so mission accomplished I guess.

When was the first time you masturbated?
When I was 17. I was secretly watching Melrose Place--my parents didn’t allow “trash TV”--and I was getting really horny during some steamy scene, and then I went to my room and just figured it out. And then I went totally crazy and did it like 30 times a day.

You weren’t allowed to watch Melrose Place at 17?
I was raised fundamentalist Christian and my parents are very frigid. My mother thinks sex is disgusting and I discovered everything about sex on my own. She never even taught me about getting your period. She hasn’t had sex since my younger brother was conceived. I know that because it came up in a violent argument between my parents.

Whoa.
So now I talk to my kids about everything. My seven year old knows exactly how babies are conceived and how you prevent that from happening. I think if you talk about it before it’s an issue, then it never becomes an issue.

Have you and your husband always been in an open relationship?
Kind of, yeah, but I didn’t know there was word for it until about two years ago. I grew up in South Carolina where it’s very conservative, and I always thought I was just a slut. I’ve known my husband my whole life and we’ve had an on-and-off relationship since we were teenagers, and even when we were together we would sometimes do things with other people, so it was never monogamous.

What about while you were having kids?
I got married when I was 26, and I was really busy for some time. I started grad school and then I got really into making babies--my kids are 3, 4, 7 and 9 now. So I was pregnant and nursing for years, and nursing makes me not so interested in sex. So I took a long break and focused on the mommy role, but then once that stopped all of my urges came back, and I was like, “Whoa, I’m still like this?” I realized that this is really me, it wasn’t just a phase or immaturity.

So then what?
Well I started sleeping around, and ended up sleeping with some people at work, but I knew that was a bad idea, so I signed up at ashleymadison.com--this affair website where you can meet other married people. I met a bunch of people there and slept with a couple, but it was super boring. Then someone there suggested I sign up at alt.com, were I met my Master.

Tell me about your first meeting.
We met for lunch, and he spoon fed me. He had a three pronged vibrator with him and as we left the restaurant he shoved it inside me, like right in the street. I came pressed up against a brick wall. It was really fun, he’s just really fun.

Sounds hot. What else have you done together?
He’s taken me to a BDSM dungeon. He’s fucked me live on webcam--I had a hood on, but it was weird. Once he said he was going to walk me home from work through Central Park, but then he tied me up to a tree with my skirt hiked up to me waist. There were people everywhere. I don’t think they saw, but I don’t think he’s done with that yet--I think he’s looking for a better place. Actually next Friday I’m going to a place he owns in Westchester so he can tie me up somewhere and leave me there.

Are you scared?
No. That’s why I like him so much, because I have no idea what’s going to happen! My problem with hooking up with people in the past has been that I always become the one in charge, and I hate that, because as soon I know what’s going to happen, sex isn’t interesting to me anymore. There have been a huge amount of people in my life that I’ve started hooking up with but quit mid-way because it became too predictable. Although I would maybe give them a pity blow job, or a hand job or something. I’ve done my share of duty finish-ups.

Haven’t we all. So do you think your meetings with the Master will continue to get more extreme?
Well, next he says he’s going to take me to a loft downtown where I’ll have a bag pulled over my head and be chained to a pole in the middle of the room and be gang banged. But I haven’t agreed to do it yet because I’m concerned about condoms breaking and STDs and all that. I think it would be so much fun, I just don’t know if it’s worth the risk. Like, how often do condoms break? I’ve never had a one break. But my Master says he’s going to work it out so he can ensure my safety, so we’ll see.

Have you set any limits with him?
Before we met I said I wouldn’t do any breath play at all, you know like strangulation, but as it turns out I love that. I like feeling submissive and totally at his mercy. But now the Master says he wants me to be monogamous with him, excluding my husband of course. I’m obeying, but I know myself and in the long run I can’t see it happening. Once a cheat, always a cheat. I’m only obeying him because it entertains me. And sometimes I fear I’ll end up getting the upper hand in this relationship too, which I don’t want!

That’s interesting.
Yeah, the things with this ‘Master/slave’ stuff is that really it’s just another name for a regular relationship, a highly sexual relationship, and I know how relationships work. The Master is making long term plans, but I take it one day at a time.

Is the Master into anything that you’re not?
Well I thought I wasn’t into pee, but then a few days ago at my Master’s house I was sitting on the toilet and he just walked in and peed on me, like on my chest and it went everywhere. And he wouldn’t let me wipe it off, he made me get dressed and go home like that.

Did you love it?
I can’t say I enjoyed the urine on me, no, but I enjoyed the effect it had on me. I felt insanely awkward and submissive and confused as to what to do. I like not knowing how to feel. I like new situations.

Have you ever had a negative sexual experience?
No. I’ve had lots of bad things happen to me in my life, but they haven’t been sexual.

Is there anything sex related that you are scared of or embarrassed by?
I find soiling myself very embarrassing. But with people shoving stuff in and out of you all the time, it’s kind of inevitable. I also find it embarrassing when the Master watches me put on makeup. Sometimes you just need some privacy.

How does your husband feel about all this?
He knows about the Master, but not the full extent of it. I think my husband would be OK with a closed relationship, but I don’t know why he would want that. I lack the jealous gene; I like the idea that other women find him attractive. We’ve been with each other forever so it shakes things up, and he learns new tricks. I share four kids with him, and I’m not having kids with anyone else, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t call us soul mates because I think that’s stupid, but we’re life partners, and I share a very deep bond with him in many aspects of life, including sex. The Master is not a threat to him. I like my Master, but if it wasn’t him it would be someone else.

How many people have you slept with?
Well this is where I’m weird. I’ve probably kissed and been naked with 1000 people, but I’ve only had vaginal intercourse with about 30. Granted I took a long break, but I was always scared of STDs because I knew I wanted to have kids and didn’t want to jeopardize that. So my promiscuous behavior has been off the chart, but my vaginal intercourse has been limited.

How often do you cum during sex? Can you cum from penetration alone?
I can. If a guy’s pelvic area is bouncing against my clit then that’s enough for me. With my husband if I’m on top I always cum because I can bounce against him. Normally if he’s on top I stick a hand down to make it easier.

Do you watch porn?
I go through phases where I watch it lot and others where I don’t. I really like watching men masturbating and pleasing themselves in weird ways. Seeing a man fuck a blow up doll totally kills me.

How often do you masturbate and what do you think about?
A few times a week usually. My default fantasy is a man fucking a blow up doll or a man fucking an animal. I like men with a really strong, animistic sex drive.

Are you into girls at all?
I’ve had a lot of female encounters but most of them have been fake--just a show for guys--and I’ve had romantic crushes on girls but they’ve never materialized. Although I was in a threesome recently with a man and a woman that was amazing, and I was really into the girl and I would love to have sex with her again. But now the Master says he will only let me fuck that couple if I’m on a leash and he’s holding me.

Lol. Do you think most people are secret freaks?
I do kind of, yeah. Whenever I out myself about anything in life I find that so many people say, “Oh, I feel that way too!” But I’m very socially liberal. I feel like as long as you don’t hurt anybody then you can do whatever you want, and I feel the same way about everything that’s in our nature. If we’re programmed to have certain urges or to enjoy certain things, then what’s wrong with that?

True say Dr. Gangbang, true say.