Dating 101

EXPERT 4: SUSIE ORBACH

Why She Knows: Susie Orbach is an acclaimed British psychotherapist, and the author of lots of influential books on feminist theory and how us girls view our bodies and ourselves, including Fat is a Feminist Issue and The Impossibility of sex. I had the pleasure of meeting Susie in person last year when we both participated in a round table discussion about SEX for Bon International magazine. (I blogged about it, you can read it HERE.) During the talk she had a lot of interesting things to say about female sexuality and what sex can and should mean to us. I thought she’d be perfect for Dating 101, because 4realz, before we can truly understand what we want out of a relationship, and find someone amazing to fuck/love us back, we first have to truly understand and love ourselves. Cheesy, but also true!

Often, girls who openly enjoy sex are labeled as sluts. What needs to be done to establish more positive ideas about female sexuality?
The problem is that we live in a time where sex of a certain kind is portrayed everywhere, but we don’t show women as sexual in their own right. We have to create new images that aren’t about women’s bodies as sights of display. And when it comes down to education, we need to find ways to encourage girls to learn about their own desires, and how to communicate them and teach boys about girl’s desires.

How is my porn addiction weighing on my view of what is a normal sex life?
Not well. Porn has encouraged girls to view themselves even more as the objects of other’s desires, and to see sex as entirely visual rather than relational.

Obviously we all want to date someone we find hot, but is it true that guys are more concerned with the physical appearance of their sexual partners than girls are?
I don’t buy that myth. I think most men crave intimacy, connection and interest, just as most women do. And one of the painful aspects of life today is that women are encouraged to turn to quite dramatic cosmetic procedures in the face of loss.

Is Facebook helping or hindering our chances of forming healthy relationships?
I’m not sure. I think it’s helpful for people who are isolated, and the Internet can seem very compelling and offer one the sense of existing with a circle if one feels insignificant, but it’s a different kind of thing to sitting with friends. It can contain more aspects of performance than simple relating.

The stereotype is that men are more sexual than women, but I know a lot of super horny girls. Are we really all that different?
Historically women’s sexuality has been so terrifying culturally that we have been represented as either Madonna’s or whores, and female sexuality has been repressed though legal constrains through marriage, and even clitorectemies. So yes, men and women’s sexuality appears to very different, but that's just how it appears, not how it necessarily is, or would be under different conditions.

Is it a bad idea to sleep with someone on the first date?
I’m not a great one for formulae. It may or may not make sense given who the other person is, and how you feel towards them. There is not a right answer, surely.

Ultimate words of wisdom?  
Only do what feels good……

Dating 101

EXPERT 3: KATHERINE CAHOON

Why She Knows: During a recent trip to Barnes and Noble, I somehow got lost and ended up in the self-help section. While there I stumbled across a flirty little book called The Single Girl’s Guide to Meeting European Men, by Katherine Cahoon. I flipped open to a random page and the first sentence I read was (in bold, enlarged print), “Male hikers can not resist the hair flip!” I thought, this is a girl who knows what she’s talking about! The book is basically a dating guide aimed at socially retarded American girls, full of sentences that don't really mean anything in particular, but are super fun to read, like, "Always be sure to have your spunk shining through and your guy-attracting glow on." Katherine also posts instructional videos on youtube full of “hot man meeting tips”. In this vid she teaches us how to win the hearts of "artsy European men" at the Edinburgh Festival. Take notes bitches!

How do I meet people who could potentially want to be inside me?
Katherine: A great tip for meeting men is, avoid prowling in packs. Most men don’t want to tackle a gang of girls to meet their prime prospect. Ladies, I know you are hungry for grade-A males, but don’t act like wolves on the hunt! Traveling in a pack is the wrong approach.

How soon to too soon to talk about feelings?
When a girl becomes too open with a guy too fast, it can make him feel like her psychiatrist. No one wants to feel that way unless that person has a degree and is being paid! In the beginning of a relationship, it's best to keep conversation light and focus on getting to know one another.   

What's one thing a girl should never do at the start of a relationship?
Guys don't like hearing a girl talk about her exes. It makes them feel like they're being compared with every other man in the woman's life. Still, sometimes curiosity overcomes them and they ask. When this happens, it often works to tell the guy you want to focus on getting to know each other.

According to Cher from Clueless, "Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex." True or false?
I don't think women have to show skin to attract men, but it works. In my book, I describe a friend who I call the "Sexcapader" because her goal was to get laid in every European country she visited at a unique cultural landmark. When looking for male targets, she wore very revealing outfits, complete with push-up bras. Around her professors, however, the revealing outfits and push-up bras stayed in her closet. Basically, you should wear what fits the situation.     

Your friend, huh? Interesting. So is it a bad idea to fuck someone the minute you meet them?
There are exceptions to the rule, but even today many guys like the chase. They don't want to feel like girls are handing them their hearts, or more like their bodies, on platters. I have a girlfriend who is into random play, but she doesn't advertise this on her Facebook page for a reason! I also have heard my guy friends say that when they ask a girl how many men she has slept with, they double the number in their heads and hope it isn't too high. They want to be new and exciting to a girl, not just one of the many slabs hanging in her meat market.

Dating 101

Part 2 in Slutever’s ultimate dating guide:

EXPERT 2: TAVI GEVINSON

Why She Knows: The popular girls in high school get all the boys. They’re like the ultimate archetype of social/sexual power. However, the world of high school is not what it used to be. No one cares about cheerleaders or big tits anymore; what matters is who has the most popular Youtube channel, or the most followers on Twitter. Tavi is the 14 year old author of the fashion blog Style Rookie, which has hundreds of thousands of readers. Realistically, Tavi is probably still not high school cool, even by today’s standards. However she’s tricked the system by getting herself into the pages of Vogue and every other fashion magazine on earth starting at the age of 12, thereby rising above the standard system of coolness that pervades the high school halls. And to be honest it doesn’t really matter to me whether she knows anything about dating/boys or not, because I value her general opinion more than most others in this world. (Said in whisper: I love you Tavi...)

So what do boys like?
Why are you asking me? I’m 14! I haven't "dated" anyone since the seventh grade! I don't really know why you even thought I would have any wisdom nuggets to offer in this interview, but it's fun!

Tavi, you’re not helping. OK, if I really like someone but I want to give off the impression of being cool and aloof, how long should I wait to reply to their texts?
I think it makes the most sense to text them right away, because otherwise they don't know that you like them and think you're just continuing on the conversation. And if they're not playing along then you say TTYL or whatever.

What’s one quality all girls should look for in a guy?
Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who isn't a feminist. Why date someone who doesn't think of us as equals? However it’s almost impossible since the only male feminists I've met in high school are either a) gay, or b) overbearing, olive-colored-clothed wise guys who are too proud of their stance on communism. In case you didn't already pick up on this, I am not exactly a reader's choice among the dudes. I was a horribly awkward 7th grader and fear that I haven't changed.

Does dressing too sexy give off the wrong impression?
Girls should wear whatever they want. And if it gives off a "wrong impression" and a guy judges her for it, then they're not supposed to go out. It's like natural selection.

Is it OK to date someone who dresses badly?
Yeah.

I recently made my crush a mixtape of love songs complete with an accompanying letter explaining why each song reminds me of him/us. Should I give it to him or is that TM?
Yes! I wish mixtapes and cute little notes weren't so obsolete! Facebook chat is so unromantic and dorky. I want someone at my school to bring back mixtapes. Damn.

Being “in a relationship” on Facebook: good idea or bad idea?
Bad idea if it's too soon, good idea if the two are agreed on their circumstances.

What are the rules about dating a friend’s ex?
Don't do it! What did we learn from the Aaron Samuels fiasco?

I love Mean Girls. Tavi, you are so wise. And lastly, what’s the best way to break up with someone?
Bake them a cake that says IT'S OVER and cover it with Justin Bieber Silly Bandz or make them a necklace with those letter beads and plastic hearts that says MY HEART BELONGS TO GUCCI MANE and they'll get the idea.

Dating 101

Photo by Nan Goldin

Dear girls,

Finding someone who wants to fuck you back can be really hard! Dating is so stressful and scary and convoluted. There’s so much to think about, so many uncertainties. How long should I wait to text him back? Does this dress make my arms looks fat? Should I or should I not bring up my bastard child? Do second cousins count as incest? How soon is too soon for anal? AHH! It’s too much! And all for someone who could potentially give us AIDS.

But fear no more, because I’m going to help us get this situation under control. For the next few weeks I will be posting interviews with a variety of amazing, intelligent, sexually powerful women, and in these interviews I’m going to ask all the questions us girls have always wanted to know about the mysteries of the coital dance. Now the goal here isn't to work out how to “bag a man.” (Pleeease, everyone knows clit is power.) This is just some friendly girl-on-girl advice on a subject that’s been confusing the fuck out of everyone since the dawn of the crush. Because all we really want is someone to love—someone to stroke our hair and pay for half of the abortion, who gives us semi-regular orgasms and pretends they don’t mind when we get our period all over their bed, slasher movie style. Is that too much to ask?

EXPERT 1: MY MOTHER

Why she knows: My mom started dating my dad when she was 16. She’s now 52, which means they’ve been together for roughly 100 years. I’m pretty sure they still fuck too, because I recently found a bottle of lube in her bedside table while sneakily searching for her Ambien prescription. So if anyone knows anything about maintaining a sexy, long lasting relationship, it’s my mom!

Mom, what are your tips for making good first impression?
Well, it wouldn’t hurt to put a sweater on once in a while. Dressing too sexy gives off the impression that you’re a show off, and that you’re cheap. I’m not saying you have to dress like a nun, but you shouldn’t wear a sign on your back that says 'I’m a slut' either.  

So what should I wear then?
The rule of thumb is, you can’t do boob and leg at the same time. It’s either a short skirt or a low top; both together and you look trashy. Also black is good because it’s slimming, and a pair of ankle boots are always cute.

When you like someone, how long is an appropriate time to wait before sleeping with them? Longer than one hour?
Ideally I would say you should wait until you are married, although I know these days that’s unrealistic. But sleeping with someone before you’re sure that you love them is a bad idea, because then you feel bad about yourself the next day. And the double standard still exists—women are judged more harshly than men in their decision to give it up. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

What are some qualities us girls should be looking for in a mate?
You need a man who can fix stuff—someone who can change a tire, fix the broken pipe under the sink, and also cook a good bowl of pasta. I know that probably doesn’t seem very appealing now, but believe me, one day you will thank me for that advice. Stay away from people who smoke, because they stink and die early. Also stay away from jealous people. If a guy is jealous or thinks you’re cheating, it probably means he’s cheating. I learned that from Oprah.

Lol. Anything else?
Avoid people with bad hygiene. If somebody looks dirty that’s a definite turn off for me. I would never go near anyone who didn’t shower regularly or have sheets on their bed. Although I don’t know, maybe at your age I would have.

What is your ultimate dating tip?
I think what’s most important is to take the hints that are given you. If he doesn’t like you, move on! It’s not attractive to linger or be pathetic. We’ve all seen He’s Just Not That Into You. And I know that’s just a silly movie but there is definitely a lot of truth in it.

You and dad seem like you’re still pretty hot for each other. What are some of your top tips for in the bedroom?
I’m not discussing this with you.